Learning your child has been harmed or assaulted is distressing. You may feel a range of emotions – anger, guilt, grief – and your parental instinct may be to take control to protect your child. However, while it is appropriate to express your care and concern and offer support, it is crucial you give your child the freedom and control to make their own decisions and choices about how to proceed.
Strategies
Below are some strategies you may find useful as you seek to help your child to recover from this experience.
Listen and demonstrate that you believe your child.
It’s often very difficult for a survivor to come forward and share their story. Your reaction may impact whether or not your child chooses to continue to share this information with you or others and seek further support. State that you believe them and you want to support them in any way that you can.
Do not ask “Why?”
Why didn’t you…? Why did you…?
All “why” questions have the tendency to shut down communication to the detriment of your child’s recovery and your relationship with your child. “Why” isn’t helpful, and often conveys judgement, even unintentionally.
Assure your child that the assault is not their fault.
Self-blame is common among victims of sexual violence. It is important that, as their parent, you help your child understand that no matter what happened, it was not their fault. No one asks to be harmed or assaulted.
It can be very difficult for parents to hear the circumstances of an assault, especially if alcohol or drugs, previous forms of consensual sex, or any other activities you do not approve of were involved. Keep judgment to yourself for the time being. Right now, your child needs your unequivocal love. Understand that your child is carefully watching for your reactions, both verbal and non-verbal. If there is any indication that you do not believe them or you don’t accept what’s being said, this will greatly diminish your child’s willingness to confide in you or others who can help.
Listen actively and non-judgmentally.
When listening, it is natural to think of many questions. You’ll feel compelled to gather as much information as possible about what transpired, but it is important to respect your child’s boundaries and not ask for details. In the case of sexual assault, it is best to allow the survivor to control what and how much they share. Let your child know that you are there to listen and support, but they control when and how much they wish to say.
Empower your child and allow them to control next steps.
You may provide guidance, information, and encouragement about your child’s options for additional support, but allow them to decide if, when, and how they will pursue these resources. Support whatever decisions they make. Be sure to discuss which other family members or friends will be told, ask your child’s permission to share any information, and respect your child’s decision on the matter. Never disclose information to others in the family without checking with your child first.
Recognize that time may have passed before your child consulted you.
Don’t let this become an issue. “Why didn’t you tell us sooner?” will not be perceived as a supportive statement. Your child may have many reasons for not telling you sooner, including fearing your reaction, and you don’t want to shut down the opportunity for your child to share.
Understand that the recovery process is unique to your child.
The length of the recovery period will depend greatly on the individual. Support your child for as long as they need it. What your child needs from you may shift throughout their healing process.
Take care of yourself.
Supporting your child through a trauma can be a difficult and emotional experience. Don’t hesitate to seek help and support for yourself when you need it.
Remember: you are not responsible for your child’s experience.
You may think you could have done something to prevent this. The person responsible is the offender.
Things you can say…
- “I believe you.”
- “I am here to support you, whatever you decide.”
- “Thank you for telling me.”
- “How can I help? What do you need?”
- “I love you, and I’m here for you.”
Things to know about campus resources
Parents, family members, and friends may provide a needed sense of love, strength, and comfort after an incident of sexual violence or harassment, domestic/dating violence, or other difficult personal experience. Cornell also provides resources for support, including confidential service providers and other experienced advisors who can be very helpful with your concerns, questions, feelings, and healing. Resources can be found on our Get Help Anytime page.
Adapted from:
- Sexual Violence Education & Resources, University of Virginia
- A Guide for Parents, Yale Share Center, Yale University